you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
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