I need to stop coming to work sober
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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