meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Randomize
