we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
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I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
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I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
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