Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
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