We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
