You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
