do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
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