I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
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