and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
