I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
