the condom got lost in my hair
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
