Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Randomize
