I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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