Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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