Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
