If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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