My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
