I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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