dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
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The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
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When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
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