Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Randomize
