Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
