the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
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