Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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