i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
