I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
I'm up to 9 pic of different guys. I need 4 more boys and each one of the 13 to submit 3 additional pics. I wanna make a penis deck of cards.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
