I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Randomize
