My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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