"it" just moved
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
