Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Four minutes until I can fart!
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
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