I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Randomize
