I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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