Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
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i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
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Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
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