does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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