I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
You guys sftrill at mcdondalds?!!!!
Yes.
fuckin bring me a cheseburgeria
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
My ATM looks so different sober.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
