No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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