Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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