i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
In other news, I just burned my penis
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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