some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
