I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
