Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
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