Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
