he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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