i think i have two assholes
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
I forgot wine drunk hurts
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Randomize
