When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
