i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
Randomize
