I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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