I think i peed on brittanys purse
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Randomize
