A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Randomize
