I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
