is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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