life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
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As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
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Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
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